Have you ever wished you could be a powerful conversationalist?
To always know what to say and when to say it?
To have a witty and charming sense of humour that makes people feel at ease?
Or to be able to master this elusive skill of ‘active listening’ which everyone is convinced is the hallmark of a good conversationalist?
I’ve studied the art of charisma for a while now and I’ve always thought that to be charismatic in conversation, you need all the skills mentioned above.
But it’s only recently in my coaching practice that I realize that to be the kind of person everyone enjoys talking to – it’s beyond just ‘speaking’ and ‘listening’.
It’s being able to master one fundamental technique known as: holding space.
To hold space for someone is to allow another person the freedom to share themselves fully without judging them, trying to fix them or pushing our own agenda.
It is more than just ‘active listening’.
To ‘hold’ is to metaphorically ‘hold a container’ for a person to release their innermost thoughts and feelings in.
That ‘container’ then gives them ‘space’ – or an environment of trust and safety – to lower their resistance and put away their masks.
Your ability to do this can make you a powerful influencer: someone who people feel incredibly safe to share their thoughts with, and in the process, be open to creating lasting, meaningful relationships with.
In my coaching practice, the technique of holding space is something that takes many years to master.
But I believe we all have the ability to practice it in our daily conversations.
If this is something that sounds difficult or abstract to you, then the next 3 tips might help:
3 Tips To Hold Space For Someone & Be A Master Conversationalist
Tip #1: Be intentional about not having any intentions.
Paradoxical, I know.
But the concept of holding space really is about not trying to accomplish anything out of the conversation, except to just be fully present with the person you’re with.
If you’re about to meet a friend or go on a date, or about to attend a networking event where you want to leave a lasting impression, try this.
Before you meet the person, set the intention in your mind that you want to just be fully present with the person.
Forget about trying to make them happy, trying to impress them, trying to cheer them up or trying to appear a certain way.
Remove all these ‘intentions’ from your mind, and focus on really experiencing what it’s like to be in their company.
By doing this, you allow yourself to relax and let go of any expectations or judgments you may have of the person.
Naturally, the person feels at ease because he or she knows that you come without an agenda, leaving them to feel safe to open up to you.
Tip #2: Suspend your ego (“Put yourself on the shelf”).
Whenever I want to hold space with someone, I say quietly in my mind: ‘put yourself on the shelf’.
It only means one thing: ‘it’s not about you’.
To truly hold space for someone, we have to learn to suspend our own ego and resist from trying to fix their problems, interrupt them, impose our own morals or defend our own arguments.
This doesn’t mean we need to agree 100% with whatever they are saying.
This just means we are open to validate their beliefs, feelings and words – because we know it’s not about us.
To validate someone doesn’t mean agreeing with someone. It just means allowing them to have ownership over their own thoughts without judgment.
Have you ever attended an event or party where the environment feels fake and shallow because you know everyone there is putting up a front?
This is common especially in professional networking events or societies where people generally have an agenda for why they’re there.
When you exchange name cards and introductions, you’re not talking to them. You’re talking to their ‘public persona’ – created by their ego.
In an environment where everyone flaunts their ego and is trying to impress everyone else – this is the opposite of holding space.
The next time you attend such an event, leave your ego at the door and forget about trying to impress anyone there.
You might be surprised at how people start to drop their guard and have a genuine connection with you.
Tip #3: Be mindful of your own urge to speak your mind.
Why is active listening so hard?
Because we all have something we want to say!
And because we’re all individuals with our own beliefs, thoughts and emotions, we are biased to think that whatever we say is important.
Conversations then become sessions where everyone indulges in the genius of their own ideas but nobody is really listening.
To truly hold space, you don’t want to be the person who waits for the other person to finish their sentences just so that you can speak your mind and share your two cents worth.
The practice of mindfulness comes in handy here.
Holding space is all about awareness.
Being aware of your own biased thoughts and opinions as they rise to the surface, and choosing not to share them, so as to give the other person ample space to share theirs.
When we start to focus on the other person’s inner world, we let ourselves become curious – exploring their psyche like an astronaut feeling immersed in a rich, new world that is previously unexplored.
And to me, that kind of presence is the best form of compliment.
Imagine talking to someone who is just completely curious and accepting about who you are as a person. They are intrigued about every single thing you say and crave to learn more about you as you share more about yourself.
Individuals like this are few and far between.
But what if you could be like that?
The technique of holding space is not new, and yet if you have it, it can become a social superpower that makes you a truly powerful conversationalist.
Summary
To be the kind of person everyone enjoys talking to is to master one fundamental technique known as: holding space.
To hold space for someone is to allow another person the freedom to share themselves fully without judging them, trying to fix them or pushing our own agenda.
Your ability to do this can make you a powerful influencer: someone who people feel incredibly safe to share their thoughts with, and in the process, be open to create lasting, meaningful relationships with.
Tip #1: Be intentional about not having any intentions
Tip #2: Suspend your ego (“Put yourself on the shelf”)
Tip #3: Be mindful of your own urge to speak your mind.
Have you ever wished you could be a powerful conversationalist?
To always know what to say and when to say it?
To have a witty and charming sense of humour that makes people feel at ease?
Or to be able to master this elusive skill of ‘active listening’ which everyone is convinced is the hallmark of a good conversationalist?
I’ve studied the art of charisma for a while now and I’ve always thought that to be charismatic in conversation, you need all the skills mentioned above.
But it’s only recently in my coaching practice that I realize that to be the kind of person everyone enjoys talking to – it’s beyond just ‘speaking’ and ‘listening’.
It’s being able to master one fundamental technique known as: holding space.
To hold space for someone is to allow another person the freedom to share themselves fully without judging them, trying to fix them or pushing our own agenda.
It is more than just ‘active listening’.
To ‘hold’ is to metaphorically ‘hold a container’ for a person to release their innermost thoughts and feelings in.
That ‘container’ then gives them ‘space’ – or an environment of trust and safety – to lower their resistance and put away their masks.
Your ability to do this can make you a powerful influencer: someone who people feel incredibly safe to share their thoughts with, and in the process, be open to creating lasting, meaningful relationships with.
In my coaching practice, the technique of holding space is something that takes many years to master.
But I believe we all have the ability to practice it in our daily conversations.
If this is something that sounds difficult or abstract to you, then the next 3 tips might help:
3 Tips To Hold Space For Someone & Be A Master Conversationalist
Tip #1: Be intentional about not having any intentions.
Paradoxical, I know.
But the concept of holding space really is about not trying to accomplish anything out of the conversation, except to just be fully present with the person you’re with.
If you’re about to meet a friend or go on a date, or about to attend a networking event where you want to leave a lasting impression, try this.
Before you meet the person, set the intention in your mind that you want to just be fully present with the person.
Forget about trying to make them happy, trying to impress them, trying to cheer them up or trying to appear a certain way.
Remove all these ‘intentions’ from your mind, and focus on really experiencing what it’s like to be in their company.
By doing this, you allow yourself to relax and let go of any expectations or judgments you may have of the person.
Naturally, the person feels at ease because he or she knows that you come without an agenda, leaving them to feel safe to open up to you.
Tip #2: Suspend your ego (“Put yourself on the shelf”).
Whenever I want to hold space with someone, I say quietly in my mind: ‘put yourself on the shelf’.
It only means one thing: ‘it’s not about you’.
To truly hold space for someone, we have to learn to suspend our own ego and resist from trying to fix their problems, interrupt them, impose our own morals or defend our own arguments.
This doesn’t mean we need to agree 100% with whatever they are saying.
This just means we are open to validate their beliefs, feelings and words – because we know it’s not about us.
To validate someone doesn’t mean agreeing with someone. It just means allowing them to have ownership over their own thoughts without judgment.
Have you ever attended an event or party where the environment feels fake and shallow because you know everyone there is putting up a front?
This is common especially in professional networking events or societies where people generally have an agenda for why they’re there.
When you exchange name cards and introductions, you’re not talking to them. You’re talking to their ‘public persona’ – created by their ego.
In an environment where everyone flaunts their ego and is trying to impress everyone else – this is the opposite of holding space.
The next time you attend such an event, leave your ego at the door and forget about trying to impress anyone there.
You might be surprised at how people start to drop their guard and have a genuine connection with you.
Tip #3: Be mindful of your own urge to speak your mind.
Why is active listening so hard?
Because we all have something we want to say!
And because we’re all individuals with our own beliefs, thoughts and emotions, we are biased to think that whatever we say is important.
Conversations then become sessions where everyone indulges in the genius of their own ideas but nobody is really listening.
To truly hold space, you don’t want to be the person who waits for the other person to finish their sentences just so that you can speak your mind and share your two cents worth.
The practice of mindfulness comes in handy here.
Holding space is all about awareness.
Being aware of your own biased thoughts and opinions as they rise to the surface, and choosing not to share them, so as to give the other person ample space to share theirs.
When we start to focus on the other person’s inner world, we let ourselves become curious – exploring their psyche like an astronaut feeling immersed in a rich, new world that is previously unexplored.
And to me, that kind of presence is the best form of compliment.
Imagine talking to someone who is just completely curious and accepting about who you are as a person. They are intrigued about every single thing you say and crave to learn more about you as you share more about yourself.
Individuals like this are few and far between.
But what if you could be like that?
The technique of holding space is not new, and yet if you have it, it can become a social superpower that makes you a truly powerful conversationalist.
Summary
To be the kind of person everyone enjoys talking to is to master one fundamental technique known as: holding space.
To hold space for someone is to allow another person the freedom to share themselves fully without judging them, trying to fix them or pushing our own agenda.
Your ability to do this can make you a powerful influencer: someone who people feel incredibly safe to share their thoughts with, and in the process, be open to create lasting, meaningful relationships with.
Tip #1: Be intentional about not having any intentions
Tip #2: Suspend your ego (“Put yourself on the shelf”)
Tip #3: Be mindful of your own urge to speak your mind.