Do you have a person in your life who you just can’t seem to get them to open up to you?
Maybe it’s a partner who is being cold and resistant.
Maybe it’s a tough superior who’s putting up walls to establish their authority.
Or maybe it’s a rebellious teenager who just wants you to leave them alone.
If there was a way you can get them to trust and open up to you.
These people may be tough nuts to crack, but it’s possible to lower anyone’s guard with the right techniques.
Charisma is not just about being magnetic to others, it is also about knowing how to get people to trust and confide in you.
Here’s the scenario: let’s say you just identified that a person in your life is suddenly being cold or resistant.
You suspect that he may be hiding something. Whether he is or he isn’t, it’s hard to know for sure because he’s not saying much.
It’s frustrating.
When you ask him questions, he just gives shallow, one-word responses.
When you try to be direct and ask him “what’s wrong?”, he just shrugs it off and tells you “nothing” and changes the subject.
At this point, it might be easy to raise your voice and demand that he confess his sins.
But we all know how that will turn out.
As a coach, I’d tell you from first-hand experience that the soft approach is always a more elegant and sophisticated way to get what you want from others, but it has to be done in an effective way.
Once you get the hang of it, you’ll be able to persuade people you’d never expect and penetrate through the hardest shells.
Here are 4 strategies to systematically dissolve a person’s ‘walls’ and get them to open up to you.
How To Get A Difficult Person To Open Up To You
Strategy #1: Share something personal
What’s the fastest way to get someone to spill their secrets to you?
Tell them a secret of your own!
Reciprocity is a powerful force in persuasion.
When someone shares something personal about them, not only does it create the psychological effect of being ‘closer’ to them, but we feel an unconscious desire to reciprocate by sharing something personal ourselves.
Sit down with the person and find an appropriate time to share something personal about yourself.
It could be a personal story you don’t usually share with anyone else. Or it could be something in your past that you’re not proud of.
Trust is created from vulnerability. In order for trust to be established, someone needs to make the first move.
By showing vulnerability, you’re unconsciously communicating that you trust him, which makes him more likely to trust you in return.
However, the key to doing this is to ensure that he has already earned your trust.
If you’re being too vulnerable when he barely knows you, he’ll think that you’re a nut who just spills your secrets to anyone you just met.
Once you’ve shared something personal with him, you’ll find that he will unconsciously be more likely to open up.
Of course, he may not immediately spill out his deepest, darkest secrets. But he may start to share his thoughts or opinions, which is definitely progress!
Once you have opened the door, you can start to explore deeper.
Strategy #2: Seek alignment in views
Once you can get the person talking, you want to establish some common ground in order for you to establish yourself as someone he feels a connection with.
In public settings, it may be inappropriate to openly declare your views about religion, sex or politics.
However, in a 1-to-1 situation, these topics can be quite advantageous if you want to get a glimpse into a person’s identity.
Generally, we only delve into these personal topics with people we trust.
So when you broach these topics with someone, it’s an unconscious indication that you’re interested in who they are as a person.
When given the opportunity, people want to tell others about their beliefs. It can be cathartic.
People love talking about themselves because doing so reaffirms who they are as an individual.
At this stage, the person you’re sitting with may not feel comfortable revealing to you an incriminating secret.
But if you ask them about their beliefs in God, their opinion on reincarnation or their political views, they’ll be more likely to tell you because ‘what’s the harm’?
Once they share their views, it’s absolutely critical that you don’t get defensive or start attacking them.
Suspend all judgement for now and find an opportunity to agree with them in any way you can.
If they already know that you’re someone who does not share the same beliefs, be curious and ask them about why they hold such views in the first place.
If you can validate them by ‘coincidentally’ sharing the same views, or even showing that their views have merit, it creates a psychological bond that makes them easier to talk to you more about other personal topics.
Strategy #3: Focus on how they feel about the event, not the event itself
If you suspect that the person you’re with is troubled by something, don’t push him to give you a full cover-to-cover story about what happened.
When trying to get someone to open up, many people make the mistake of asking questions that focus on the facts of what happened.
While this may help you get a clearer understanding of what happened, it only makes the person feel like they’re being interrogated.
When a person feels like they’re being questioned, they naturally adopt a defensive position and put up even higher walls.
This is why women usually complain about how men don’t really listen.
Men are less inclined to talk about their feelings and have a ‘problem-solver’ approach to giving support.
If you want to get someone to open up, get them to talk about how they feel about what happened.
A 1988 study done on FBI trainees found that focusing on emotions led to a strong desire to seek social support.
Understand that the more a person is able to talk to you about their emotions, the more inclined they are to see you as a source of support.
This makes them much more likely to open up to you when they’re feeling down or when they need to clear their mind.
Strategy #4: Provide reassurance
Once you are able to effectively use the strategies above, you want to reassure the person that you are someone who is safe to talk to.
If you suspect that he may have done something that he’s not proud of, or maybe in trouble for, let him know that you are willing to help him in whatever way you can.
Show that you’re willing to make some sacrifices such as taking some time off your schedule to help him sort through his issues.
When you show the person that you’re willing to commit to something that he finds to be valuable, then it makes him more likely to open up knowing that he receives some ‘benefit’ from sharing his secrets with you.
Throughout this process, you must come from a place of non-judgment.
When he talks about having done something that you’re not proud of, you can reassure him by helping him justify his choices at the moment.
Use phrases like:
“You couldn’t have done it if you didn’t feel like it was the right choice at the time.”
“You were in a situation where there was no other option. What else could you have done?”
“It was something that made sense at the time. Of course, you would’ve done it.”
When we’re troubled about something we’ve done, it can bring great relief to know that someone is willing to cast judgment aside and see a reason for what we perceive to be wrong.
This is why it’s very hard to get someone to talk if they feel like we already deem them to be the villain or the ‘bad guy’.
Eventually, you will realize that as you continue to justify a person’s actions, his defences will start to dissolve and you can even get him to disclose something very personal – like a confession.
Summary
How To Get A Difficult Person To Open Up To You
Strategy #1: Share something personal
When someone shares something personal about them, not only does it create the psychological effect of being ‘closer’ to them, but we feel an unconscious desire to reciprocate by sharing something personal ourselves.
Strategy #2: Seek alignment in views
If you can validate them by ‘coincidentally’ sharing the same views, or even showing that their views have merit, it creates a psychological bond that makes them easier to talk to you more about other personal topics.
Strategy #3: Focus on how they feel about the event, not the event itself
Understand that the more a person is able to talk to you about their emotions, the more inclined they are to see you as a source of support.
Strategy #4: Provide reassurance
When you show the person that you’re willing to commit to something that he finds to be valuable, then it makes him more likely to open up knowing that he receives some ‘benefit’ from sharing his secrets with you. Reassure him by helping him justify his choices at the moment.
Want to be more charismatic? Feel free to let me know what you’re struggling with so we can talk about it.
Do you have a person in your life who you just can’t seem to get them to open up to you?
Maybe it’s a partner who is being cold and resistant.
Maybe it’s a tough superior who’s putting up walls to establish their authority.
Or maybe it’s a rebellious teenager who just wants you to leave them alone.
If there was a way you can get them to trust and open up to you.
These people may be tough nuts to crack, but it’s possible to lower anyone’s guard with the right techniques.
Charisma is not just about being magnetic to others, it is also about knowing how to get people to trust and confide in you.
Here’s the scenario: let’s say you just identified that a person in your life is suddenly being cold or resistant.
You suspect that he may be hiding something. Whether he is or he isn’t, it’s hard to know for sure because he’s not saying much.
It’s frustrating.
When you ask him questions, he just gives shallow, one-word responses.
When you try to be direct and ask him “what’s wrong?”, he just shrugs it off and tells you “nothing” and changes the subject.
At this point, it might be easy to raise your voice and demand that he confess his sins.
But we all know how that will turn out.
As a coach, I’d tell you from first-hand experience that the soft approach is always a more elegant and sophisticated way to get what you want from others, but it has to be done in an effective way.
Once you get the hang of it, you’ll be able to persuade people you’d never expect and penetrate through the hardest shells.
Here are 4 strategies to systematically dissolve a person’s ‘walls’ and get them to open up to you.
How To Get A Difficult Person To Open Up To You
Strategy #1: Share something personal
What’s the fastest way to get someone to spill their secrets to you?
Tell them a secret of your own!
Reciprocity is a powerful force in persuasion.
When someone shares something personal about them, not only does it create the psychological effect of being ‘closer’ to them, but we feel an unconscious desire to reciprocate by sharing something personal ourselves.
Sit down with the person and find an appropriate time to share something personal about yourself.
It could be a personal story you don’t usually share with anyone else. Or it could be something in your past that you’re not proud of.
Trust is created from vulnerability. In order for trust to be established, someone needs to make the first move.
By showing vulnerability, you’re unconsciously communicating that you trust him, which makes him more likely to trust you in return.
However, the key to doing this is to ensure that he has already earned your trust.
If you’re being too vulnerable when he barely knows you, he’ll think that you’re a nut who just spills your secrets to anyone you just met.
Once you’ve shared something personal with him, you’ll find that he will unconsciously be more likely to open up.
Of course, he may not immediately spill out his deepest, darkest secrets. But he may start to share his thoughts or opinions, which is definitely progress!
Once you have opened the door, you can start to explore deeper.
Strategy #2: Seek alignment in views
Once you can get the person talking, you want to establish some common ground in order for you to establish yourself as someone he feels a connection with.
In public settings, it may be inappropriate to openly declare your views about religion, sex or politics.
However, in a 1-to-1 situation, these topics can be quite advantageous if you want to get a glimpse into a person’s identity.
Generally, we only delve into these personal topics with people we trust.
So when you broach these topics with someone, it’s an unconscious indication that you’re interested in who they are as a person.
When given the opportunity, people want to tell others about their beliefs. It can be cathartic.
People love talking about themselves because doing so reaffirms who they are as an individual.
At this stage, the person you’re sitting with may not feel comfortable revealing to you an incriminating secret.
But if you ask them about their beliefs in God, their opinion on reincarnation or their political views, they’ll be more likely to tell you because ‘what’s the harm’?
Once they share their views, it’s absolutely critical that you don’t get defensive or start attacking them.
Suspend all judgement for now and find an opportunity to agree with them in any way you can.
If they already know that you’re someone who does not share the same beliefs, be curious and ask them about why they hold such views in the first place.
If you can validate them by ‘coincidentally’ sharing the same views, or even showing that their views have merit, it creates a psychological bond that makes them easier to talk to you more about other personal topics.
Strategy #3: Focus on how they feel about the event, not the event itself
If you suspect that the person you’re with is troubled by something, don’t push him to give you a full cover-to-cover story about what happened.
When trying to get someone to open up, many people make the mistake of asking questions that focus on the facts of what happened.
While this may help you get a clearer understanding of what happened, it only makes the person feel like they’re being interrogated.
When a person feels like they’re being questioned, they naturally adopt a defensive position and put up even higher walls.
This is why women usually complain about how men don’t really listen.
Men are less inclined to talk about their feelings and have a ‘problem-solver’ approach to giving support.
If you want to get someone to open up, get them to talk about how they feel about what happened.
A 1988 study done on FBI trainees found that focusing on emotions led to a strong desire to seek social support.
Understand that the more a person is able to talk to you about their emotions, the more inclined they are to see you as a source of support.
This makes them much more likely to open up to you when they’re feeling down or when they need to clear their mind.
Strategy #4: Provide reassurance
Once you are able to effectively use the strategies above, you want to reassure the person that you are someone who is safe to talk to.
If you suspect that he may have done something that he’s not proud of, or maybe in trouble for, let him know that you are willing to help him in whatever way you can.
Show that you’re willing to make some sacrifices such as taking some time off your schedule to help him sort through his issues.
When you show the person that you’re willing to commit to something that he finds to be valuable, then it makes him more likely to open up knowing that he receives some ‘benefit’ from sharing his secrets with you.
Throughout this process, you must come from a place of non-judgment.
When he talks about having done something that you’re not proud of, you can reassure him by helping him justify his choices at the moment.
Use phrases like:
“You couldn’t have done it if you didn’t feel like it was the right choice at the time.”
“You were in a situation where there was no other option. What else could you have done?”
“It was something that made sense at the time. Of course, you would’ve done it.”
When we’re troubled about something we’ve done, it can bring great relief to know that someone is willing to cast judgment aside and see a reason for what we perceive to be wrong.
This is why it’s very hard to get someone to talk if they feel like we already deem them to be the villain or the ‘bad guy’.
Eventually, you will realize that as you continue to justify a person’s actions, his defences will start to dissolve and you can even get him to disclose something very personal – like a confession.
Summary
How To Get A Difficult Person To Open Up To You
Strategy #1: Share something personal
When someone shares something personal about them, not only does it create the psychological effect of being ‘closer’ to them, but we feel an unconscious desire to reciprocate by sharing something personal ourselves.
Strategy #2: Seek alignment in views
If you can validate them by ‘coincidentally’ sharing the same views, or even showing that their views have merit, it creates a psychological bond that makes them easier to talk to you more about other personal topics.
Strategy #3: Focus on how they feel about the event, not the event itself
Understand that the more a person is able to talk to you about their emotions, the more inclined they are to see you as a source of support.
Strategy #4: Provide reassurance
When you show the person that you’re willing to commit to something that he finds to be valuable, then it makes him more likely to open up knowing that he receives some ‘benefit’ from sharing his secrets with you. Reassure him by helping him justify his choices at the moment.
Want to be more charismatic? Feel free to let me know what you’re struggling with so we can talk about it.