Have you ever heard someone say: “don’t push yourself too hard, you should learn to love yourself more.”
Like much clichéd advice given to us by our friends (a.k.a ‘just be yourself’ or ‘there are many fishes in the sea’), they’re well-intentioned…
…but not always well-timed.
The concept of ‘self-love’ has gained popularity since the first decade of the 21st century, where there is a universal notion in developed countries that somehow, we’ve been pushing ourselves too hard and we need to be kinder and more accepting as a society.
It ties in comfortably with the self-esteem movement, where we give out participation trophies because ‘everyone’s a winner’ and ensure nobody’s feelings get hurt.
I used to buy into that but then something weird happened…
…I grew up.
I know for a fact that even if society cushions blows and kiddie-proof our lives, the truth is that life can deliver hard gut-wrenching punches sometimes.
And no amount of coddling (or in Singaporean slang: sayang-sayang) can make us better at handling adversity.
Today, if you read articles that talk about self-love, you’d find tips like prioritising more ‘Me-time’, pampering yourself with a massage or setting boundaries.
These are all great, especially if you’re caught in the unforgiving tornado of life – handling the demands of work, family, finances and relationships.
By engaging in this form of self-love, you give yourself time to rest, relax and recover.
You have a renewed sense of energy. Your mind is serene, your spirit is nourished.
Time disappears for a while and you get to enjoy something you’ve been putting off for so long.
You spend a little bit of money, but it feels totally worth it.
After all – you’ve been working so hard… you deserve it!
However, the only problem is: right after you engage in ‘acts of self-love’, you jump right back into the tornado.
If you truly ‘love yourself’ – would you allow yourself to keep running on that hamster wheel?
So I think self-love is great, provided we change the way we think about it.
For one, I think true self-love is based on SELF-RESPECT.
When you really respect someone, you would treat them with kindness, hold them to a high standard, appreciate their presence and celebrate their existence.
It’s looking at the mirror and acknowledging that first and foremost – you are a person of value.
Regardless of how much you earn or what your status is or how much possessions you have – you are put on this Earth because you have the potential to contribute something of worth to society.
Self-respecting people are in charge of their life.
They know their strengths, their limits and enjoy the freedom of knowing that they are in control.
They know that other people’s perceptions don’t define them because they are worthy. And that makes them confident and emotionally healthy people.
This is why if you possess some degree self-respect, it becomes easier to ‘love yourself’… unapologetically.
So today what I’m proposing is 3 strategies that may go slightly off tangent from the usual themes of self-love.
They’re not things you do externally for yourself (e.g. spending me-time), but more of things you do internally that will get you to not just be self-loving, but self-respecting.
3 Strategies To Love Yourself Unapologetically
Strategy #1: Quit All Forms of Self-Criticism
Self-criticism.
As a perfectionist, I indulged in this for many, many years.
It was one of the reasons why as a teenager, I was constantly awkward and shy – because I was painfully afraid that others would affirm to me what I’ve been telling myself.
And I told myself really harsh things like:
“No matter how hard you’re studying, you can never catch up to your peers. You’re a total loser.”
“You’re too weak! Do more push-ups! What are you – a p*ssy?”
“Who would want to date you anyway? You’re nowhere near as successful as the other guys.”
If you’re used to self-criticism, you probably justify it as a way to motivate yourself to work harder so that you can finally get out of Loserville.
And I must admit: sometimes it works.
You do get ‘angry’ and push yourself harder because now you have a chip on your shoulder.
But at what cost?
Self-criticism motivates… but it also disintegrates.
When we are constantly tormented by a reality of ‘not enough’, it only makes us slaves to our insecurities.
You may push forward, but only to hate yourself more for why you keep pushing yourself so hard – never feeling like you deserve what you achieve.
If that’s the case – then you’ll never win.
Imagine climbing up the toughest mountain of your life, and when you reach the peak – you feel horrible about yourself because you didn’t get there fast enough.
How would you ever find personal satisfaction?
This is why you’re much better off quitting self-criticism altogether.
Your friends, family, superiors and LIFE itself will be enough to provide you with the negative feedback you need to improve.
Strategy #2: Commit To Being Real & Honest With Yourself At All Times
Now that you’ve stopped criticising yourself too harshly, you can judge yourself with clear thinking and reason.
Self-talk is a powerful tool to create healthy self-worth.
But how do you talk to yourself?
While it’s important not to talk yourself down too harshly, it’s equally important not to be blinded by what I like to call ‘self-indulgent optimism’.
Self-indulgent optimism is when you tell yourself ‘I’m confident’, ‘I’m intelligent’, ‘I’m beautiful’… just to make yourself feel good and pump up your ego after being put down by others.
I’m a big advocate for a healthy middle-ground. Instead of being overly negative or overly positive – choose to be REAL.
Not realistic. Just REAL.
Hold up an ‘Accountability Mirror’ and commit to being honest to yourself about what’s good, what’s not so good.
What you love about yourself, and what you dislike.
Speak the truth not just to others, but to yourself. This is pretty much the ONLY sensible way to lasting self-love.
The lies that are most toxic are not the lies we tell others, but the lies we tell ourselves.
If you truly love and respect yourself, commit to facing the truth about who you are.
Strategy #3: Challenge Yourself To Do Something Uncomfortable Every Day
The Japanese are famous for a powerful concept called ‘kaizen’, which means continuous, daily improvement.
Japanese corporations have infused the concept of kaizen in many processes of their business.
As a result, they experience tremendous, cumulative growth in their profits, productivity and market dominance.
However, while the concept seems simple, improvement is not easy.
Improvement can mean doing a lot of uncomfortable things – doing a little extra, learning new skills, changing processes or resisting the urge to engage in bad habits.
But think about this: whenever you strive to make a tiny improvement in yourself – consider that an act of love.
As a parent, when you make your kids eat their veggies – you know they don’t like it, but ultimately you know it’s good for them and that you’re compelling them out of love.
The same concept applies – self-love is not always comfortable.
In fact, I would argue that challenging yourself to do something uncomfortable every day – that would be the most loving thing you can actually do for yourself.
So in the morning, ask yourself this question to start off the day: what is ONE small but uncomfortable thing that you could challenge yourself out of love?
Set the intention to do that.
Get into the practice of ‘callousing the mind’ – getting used to the uncomfortable – so that when the disasters of life happen, you’ll be mentally resilient enough to get through them.
Summary
True self-love is based on SELF-RESPECT.
Self-respecting people are in charge of their life. They know their strengths, their limits and enjoy the freedom of knowing that they are in control. They know that other people’s perceptions don’t define them because they are worthy.
Strategy #1: Quit All Forms of Self-Criticism
Self-criticism motivates but it also disintegrates. Being constantly tormented by a reality of ‘not enough’, it only makes us slaves to our insecurities.
Strategy #2: Commit To Being Real & Honest With Yourself At All Times
While it’s important not to talk yourself down too harshly, it’s equally important not to be blinded by what I like to call ‘self-indulgent optimism’.
Commit to being honest to yourself about what’s good, what’s not so good.
Strategy #3: Challenge Yourself To Do Something Uncomfortable Every Day
Challenging yourself to do something uncomfortable every day – that would be the most loving thing you can actually do for yourself.
Ask yourself this question to start off the day: what is ONE small but uncomfortable thing that you could challenge yourself out of love?
Have you ever heard someone say: “don’t push yourself too hard, you should learn to love yourself more.”
Like much clichéd advice given to us by our friends (a.k.a ‘just be yourself’ or ‘there are many fishes in the sea’), they’re well-intentioned…
…but not always well-timed.
The concept of ‘self-love’ has gained popularity since the first decade of the 21st century, where there is a universal notion in developed countries that somehow, we’ve been pushing ourselves too hard and we need to be kinder and more accepting as a society.
It ties in comfortably with the self-esteem movement, where we give out participation trophies because ‘everyone’s a winner’ and ensure nobody’s feelings get hurt.
I used to buy into that but then something weird happened…
…I grew up.
I know for a fact that even if society cushions blows and kiddie-proof our lives, the truth is that life can deliver hard gut-wrenching punches sometimes.
And no amount of coddling (or in Singaporean slang: sayang-sayang) can make us better at handling adversity.
Today, if you read articles that talk about self-love, you’d find tips like prioritising more ‘Me-time’, pampering yourself with a massage or setting boundaries.
These are all great, especially if you’re caught in the unforgiving tornado of life – handling the demands of work, family, finances and relationships.
By engaging in this form of self-love, you give yourself time to rest, relax and recover.
You have a renewed sense of energy. Your mind is serene, your spirit is nourished.
Time disappears for a while and you get to enjoy something you’ve been putting off for so long.
You spend a little bit of money, but it feels totally worth it.
After all – you’ve been working so hard… you deserve it!
However, the only problem is: right after you engage in ‘acts of self-love’, you jump right back into the tornado.
If you truly ‘love yourself’ – would you allow yourself to keep running on that hamster wheel?
So I think self-love is great, provided we change the way we think about it.
For one, I think true self-love is based on SELF-RESPECT.
When you really respect someone, you would treat them with kindness, hold them to a high standard, appreciate their presence and celebrate their existence.
It’s looking at the mirror and acknowledging that first and foremost – you are a person of value.
Regardless of how much you earn or what your status is or how much possessions you have – you are put on this Earth because you have the potential to contribute something of worth to society.
Self-respecting people are in charge of their life.
They know their strengths, their limits and enjoy the freedom of knowing that they are in control.
They know that other people’s perceptions don’t define them because they are worthy. And that makes them confident and emotionally healthy people.
This is why if you possess some degree self-respect, it becomes easier to ‘love yourself’… unapologetically.
So today what I’m proposing is 3 strategies that may go slightly off tangent from the usual themes of self-love.
They’re not things you do externally for yourself (e.g. spending me-time), but more of things you do internally that will get you to not just be self-loving, but self-respecting.
3 Strategies To Love Yourself Unapologetically
Strategy #1: Quit All Forms of Self-Criticism
Self-criticism.
As a perfectionist, I indulged in this for many, many years.
It was one of the reasons why as a teenager, I was constantly awkward and shy – because I was painfully afraid that others would affirm to me what I’ve been telling myself.
And I told myself really harsh things like:
“No matter how hard you’re studying, you can never catch up to your peers. You’re a total loser.”
“You’re too weak! Do more push-ups! What are you – a p*ssy?”
“Who would want to date you anyway? You’re nowhere near as successful as the other guys.”
If you’re used to self-criticism, you probably justify it as a way to motivate yourself to work harder so that you can finally get out of Loserville.
And I must admit: sometimes it works.
You do get ‘angry’ and push yourself harder because now you have a chip on your shoulder.
But at what cost?
Self-criticism motivates… but it also disintegrates.
When we are constantly tormented by a reality of ‘not enough’, it only makes us slaves to our insecurities.
You may push forward, but only to hate yourself more for why you keep pushing yourself so hard – never feeling like you deserve what you achieve.
If that’s the case – then you’ll never win.
Imagine climbing up the toughest mountain of your life, and when you reach the peak – you feel horrible about yourself because you didn’t get there fast enough.
How would you ever find personal satisfaction?
This is why you’re much better off quitting self-criticism altogether.
Your friends, family, superiors and LIFE itself will be enough to provide you with the negative feedback you need to improve.
Strategy #2: Commit To Being Real & Honest With Yourself At All Times
Now that you’ve stopped criticising yourself too harshly, you can judge yourself with clear thinking and reason.
Self-talk is a powerful tool to create healthy self-worth.
But how do you talk to yourself?
While it’s important not to talk yourself down too harshly, it’s equally important not to be blinded by what I like to call ‘self-indulgent optimism’.
Self-indulgent optimism is when you tell yourself ‘I’m confident’, ‘I’m intelligent’, ‘I’m beautiful’… just to make yourself feel good and pump up your ego after being put down by others.
I’m a big advocate for a healthy middle-ground. Instead of being overly negative or overly positive – choose to be REAL.
Not realistic. Just REAL.
Hold up an ‘Accountability Mirror’ and commit to being honest to yourself about what’s good, what’s not so good.
What you love about yourself, and what you dislike.
Speak the truth not just to others, but to yourself. This is pretty much the ONLY sensible way to lasting self-love.
The lies that are most toxic are not the lies we tell others, but the lies we tell ourselves.
If you truly love and respect yourself, commit to facing the truth about who you are.
Strategy #3: Challenge Yourself To Do Something Uncomfortable Every Day
The Japanese are famous for a powerful concept called ‘kaizen’, which means continuous, daily improvement.
Japanese corporations have infused the concept of kaizen in many processes of their business.
As a result, they experience tremendous, cumulative growth in their profits, productivity and market dominance.
However, while the concept seems simple, improvement is not easy.
Improvement can mean doing a lot of uncomfortable things – doing a little extra, learning new skills, changing processes or resisting the urge to engage in bad habits.
But think about this: whenever you strive to make a tiny improvement in yourself – consider that an act of love.
As a parent, when you make your kids eat their veggies – you know they don’t like it, but ultimately you know it’s good for them and that you’re compelling them out of love.
The same concept applies – self-love is not always comfortable.
In fact, I would argue that challenging yourself to do something uncomfortable every day – that would be the most loving thing you can actually do for yourself.
So in the morning, ask yourself this question to start off the day: what is ONE small but uncomfortable thing that you could challenge yourself out of love?
Set the intention to do that.
Get into the practice of ‘callousing the mind’ – getting used to the uncomfortable – so that when the disasters of life happen, you’ll be mentally resilient enough to get through them.
Summary
True self-love is based on SELF-RESPECT.
Self-respecting people are in charge of their life. They know their strengths, their limits and enjoy the freedom of knowing that they are in control. They know that other people’s perceptions don’t define them because they are worthy.
Strategy #1: Quit All Forms of Self-Criticism
Self-criticism motivates but it also disintegrates. Being constantly tormented by a reality of ‘not enough’, it only makes us slaves to our insecurities.
Strategy #2: Commit To Being Real & Honest With Yourself At All Times
While it’s important not to talk yourself down too harshly, it’s equally important not to be blinded by what I like to call ‘self-indulgent optimism’.
Commit to being honest to yourself about what’s good, what’s not so good.
Strategy #3: Challenge Yourself To Do Something Uncomfortable Every Day
Challenging yourself to do something uncomfortable every day – that would be the most loving thing you can actually do for yourself.
Ask yourself this question to start off the day: what is ONE small but uncomfortable thing that you could challenge yourself out of love?