Emotions – especially negative emotions – felt like obstacles.

They got in the way of me and my goals.

Being a self-proclaimed ‘peak performer’ – I had this delusion that I ‘shouldn’t’ be feeling certain emotions – because they were signs of weaknesses.

I shouldn’t feel heartbroken.

I shouldn’t feel fearful.

I shouldn’t feel lazy.

I shouldn’t feel stressed.

I shouldn’t feel disappointed.

I shouldn’t feel rejected.

I’m a peak performer.

“Peak performers are trained to be objective and keep their emotions at bay”.

In the course of meeting other peak performers, I realise we all face the same struggle.

We’re run away and deny some feeling because we believe they hinder us from achieving what we want in life.

It’s like we’d rather be cold robots slaving away for our ambitions than simply be humans enjoying the full human experience.

We slave away for your ambitions so that we can ironically, enjoy the full human experience, in the time we have left.

But more importantly, just because you ignore and suppress your emotions, doesn’t mean you release them.

They’re still there, bubbling under the surface.

The real toxic ones like shame, guilt, regret or envy can eat away at your psyche like acid.

3 Consequences Of Self-Judgment

Here are 3 very real consequences I experienced from continuous self-judgment:

1) Feeling loneliness.

I put on a mask of invulnerability. I never let people see who I truly am – flaws and all – and made it very difficult for others to relate to me.

I shunned away anyone who got ‘too close’ and I was terrified of emotional commitment.

2) Feeling inadequate.

Because I ‘failed’ to meet my own expectations, I feel like a disappointment to myself.

I always felt like I need to work harder, so I always burned out quickly and frequently.

3) Feeling distant.

It’s tough to create a genuine connection with people when your walls are always up. How do you serve as a leader or coach when you’re not grounded and relatable?

As I worked more on myself and acknowledged the huge problem in my thinking, I found that there was one particular ‘cure’ that worked better than all the others…

The Solution To Self-Judgment

And the cure is self-forgiveness.

When we think of ‘forgiveness’, what comes to mind is forgiving the people who have hurt us in the past. Could be our parents, an ex-lover, a trusted friend. We bravely come to terms with how they wronged us and we move on.

However, I realise that of all people, the most important person to forgive – is yourself.

No one cruises through life without being subjected to some form of painful experience – that leaves emotional and psychological scars.

But after the painful experience has passed on, what remains is simply our memory of it… a ‘video recording’ of it.

Self-judgment is like being mad at yourself for watching a really bad movie… and forcing yourself to watch it again and again as punishment.

It makes no sense at all.

When someone says something nasty to you – yes, that’s painful.

But when you continue to repeat those nasty things to yourself – that’s suffering.

Self-forgiveness is more than just self-acceptance. It’s also about unshackling the chains of the past that hold you down. It’s about overcoming your own worst enemy – yourself.

If you’re being your own worst critic – remember that harsh self-judgment does not equate to self-improvement.

Pain is unavoidable. Suffering is optional. 

So stop replaying those stupid tapes and throw them away for good.

So forgive yourself for not being able to be as perfect as you want to be.

Because you’ll find that the most certain way to improve yourself, is to forgive yourself.