Where does confidence come from?
Good question.
Here are 4 proven sources of confidence.
Source #1: High Competence
The simplest and most straightforward way to build confidence is to get really, really good at something.
Highly accomplished people are confident because they possess high levels of competence or mastery in a specific field.
Whether it is your ability to dance, play a sport, persuade others, run a business or speak in public – it is helpful to know what your strengths are and focus on building confidence in a specific area.
Also, being good at something leads to a higher likelihood of receiving praise and compliments from others, which further builds confidence.
Case 1
Dave is a successful 34-year old entrepreneur. He loves starting and running profitable businesses, and has generated a lot of income for himself as a business owner.
Even though Dave wasn’t particularly attractive, athletic or well-spoken as a young adult, he has developed a quiet, grounded form of confidence from his success as an entrepreneur.
Dave’s success in business would go on to spill into other areas of his life. He plays tennis regularly, is popular with his group of friends, goes on many dates with beautiful women and is the president of his charity organization.
Source #2: Positive Reinforcement
The second source of confidence comes from positive reinforcement.
This is confidence that comes from receiving praise and compliments from others.
Children of high self-esteem usually tend to come from backgrounds where they were praised effusively by their parents and teachers.
This is good if the praise is pegged to effort and balanced with a healthy dose of failure and negative feedback.
But if done excessively, it’ll only lead to the kids developing an over-inflated view of themselves.
But don’t get me wrong – adults are no exception!
Case 2
Cynthia is a 17-year old only child of a middle-class family.
Even though her parents have sky-high expectations for her, they are generous in giving positive reinforcement and would never miss an opportunity to reward her for doing well in school.
As a result, Cynthia develops a healthy confidence in herself. While she may not be particularly gifted in any one area, she is smart to surround herself with a circle of friends, teachers and mentors who give her support whenever she needs it.
Her confidence then comes not from her abilities, but in knowing that she has the trust and support of loving people around her.
Source #3: Modelling (“Fake It Till You Make It”)
The third source of confidence comes from modelling.
Modelling is when you emulate the body language, vocal tone and behaviors of confident people.
You may be awkward or insecure at the moment, but that doesn’t mean you can’t fake it temporarily for that big interview or presentation.
This is the riskiest strategy and may not work for everyone.
If done ineffectively, people can see through your facade and perceive you as inauthentic.
However, if practiced correctly, you can condition yourself to think and act in confident ways – even before you become successful.
Case 3
Peter is a 22-year old university law student who believes he’s an introvert.
Even though he’s highly intelligent, Peter frequently gets anxiety from social situations and would prefer to keep to himself.
However, he knows that in order to get a headstart in his career, he would have to step out of his comfort zone and improve his social confidence.
He decides to take action on the advice of his professor: “Study the behaviors of successful people and adopt them as your own”.
For the next 6 months, he starts ‘playing the role’ of a hotshot lawyer by adopting the nuances of his favourite TV character – Harvey Spectre from ‘Suits’.
Despite feeling unnatural at first, Peter persists and continues to tweak his behaviors in small ways.
Eventually his friends and family start to see a difference in him. He starts to get noticed more often and eventually he gets an opportunity to intern at an established law firm.
After success in his early career, Peter’s reality start to match his learned behaviors and he starts to develop confidence from competence.
Source #4: Outcome Independence
The fourth source of confidence is different from the first three because it is not based on the acquisition of confidence, but rather the removal of a big barrier to confidence.
One of the biggest barriers to confidence is to be overly attached to outcomes.
When we desire an outcome really badly, whether it is winning an interview or scoring a date, we place an expectation on ourselves not to fail.
This creates a fear of failure which can severely diminish confidence and prevent you from taking the necessary risks.
Overattachment to outcomes can also make you appear needy and desperate.
On the other hand, when we’re not invested in any outcome, we tend to be more relaxed and act naturally.
This sense of detachment – or outcome independence – is a great source of confidence.
In simple words, it’s the attitude of not giving a f**k.
The key here is to have an abundance mindset.
Sure, you may desire to win that interview or score that date. But if you don’t, there are many other opportunities down the road that can be just as appealing.
The belief that you have an abundance of options can be a powerful boost to confidence.
The trick is to stay focused on ‘what’ you want, not ‘how’ you’re going to achieve it. If you can adopt this perspective, it can allow you to let go of control.
Case 4
Richard is a 25-year old barista who works part-time while taking his degree.
He’s not particularly handsome, athletic or talented. But he’s a fun-loving guy with a carefree attitude towards life.
As a result, Richard has a wide pool of friends and is especially popular with the ladies. His authenticity is very disarming. At his cafe, people around him naturally let their guard down because they know he has no agenda.
During exams, Richard never stresses himself out because he knows he can only do his best and has nothing to prove. When dating, women are attracted to him because he never puts on a facade and tries to impress them.
The Best Way To Build Confidence
There is no one best way to build confidence.
Different sources work better for different people. It depends on which source of confidence is most effective for you.
If you feel like you lack confidence, figure out which source would give you the kind of confidence you want and start there.
Personally, I would recommend you develop all four sources.
Get really good at something.
Have a support system where you get regular positive reinforcement.
Model other successful people.
Adopt a mindset of outcome independence.
By tapping into all four sources, you not only develop an unshakeable foundation of confidence, but you will also live a more fulfilled and stress-free life.
Summary
The 4 Sources of Confidence
Source #1: High Competence
Source #2: Positive Reinforcement
Source #3: Modelling (“Fake It Till You Make It”)
Source #4: Outcome Independence
If you feel like you lack confidence, figure out which source would give you the kind of confidence you want and start there.
By tapping into all four sources, you not only develop an unshakeable foundation of confidence, but you will also live a more fulfilled and stress-free life.
Where does confidence come from?
Good question.
Here are 4 proven sources of confidence.
Source #1: High Competence
The simplest and most straightforward way to build confidence is to get really, really good at something.
Highly accomplished people are confident because they possess high levels of competence or mastery in a specific field.
Whether it is your ability to dance, play a sport, persuade others, run a business or speak in public – it is helpful to know what your strengths are and focus on building confidence in a specific area.
Also, being good at something leads to a higher likelihood of receiving praise and compliments from others, which further builds confidence.
Case 1
Dave is a successful 34-year old entrepreneur. He loves starting and running profitable businesses, and has generated a lot of income for himself as a business owner.
Even though Dave wasn’t particularly attractive, athletic or well-spoken as a young adult, he has developed a quiet, grounded form of confidence from his success as an entrepreneur.
Dave’s success in business would go on to spill into other areas of his life. He plays tennis regularly, is popular with his group of friends, goes on many dates with beautiful women and is the president of his charity organization.
Source #2: Positive Reinforcement
The second source of confidence comes from positive reinforcement.
This is confidence that comes from receiving praise and compliments from others.
Children of high self-esteem usually tend to come from backgrounds where they were praised effusively by their parents and teachers.
This is good if the praise is pegged to effort and balanced with a healthy dose of failure and negative feedback.
But if done excessively, it’ll only lead to the kids developing an over-inflated view of themselves.
But don’t get me wrong – adults are no exception!
Case 2
Cynthia is a 17-year old only child of a middle-class family.
Even though her parents have sky-high expectations for her, they are generous in giving positive reinforcement and would never miss an opportunity to reward her for doing well in school.
As a result, Cynthia develops a healthy confidence in herself. While she may not be particularly gifted in any one area, she is smart to surround herself with a circle of friends, teachers and mentors who give her support whenever she needs it.
Her confidence then comes not from her abilities, but in knowing that she has the trust and support of loving people around her.
Source #3: Modelling (“Fake It Till You Make It”)
The third source of confidence comes from modelling.
Modelling is when you emulate the body language, vocal tone and behaviors of confident people.
You may be awkward or insecure at the moment, but that doesn’t mean you can’t fake it temporarily for that big interview or presentation.
This is the riskiest strategy and may not work for everyone.
If done ineffectively, people can see through your facade and perceive you as inauthentic.
However, if practiced correctly, you can condition yourself to think and act in confident ways – even before you become successful.
Case 3
Peter is a 22-year old university law student who believes he’s an introvert.
Even though he’s highly intelligent, Peter frequently gets anxiety from social situations and would prefer to keep to himself.
However, he knows that in order to get a headstart in his career, he would have to step out of his comfort zone and improve his social confidence.
He decides to take action on the advice of his professor: “Study the behaviors of successful people and adopt them as your own”.
For the next 6 months, he starts ‘playing the role’ of a hotshot lawyer by adopting the nuances of his favourite TV character – Harvey Spectre from ‘Suits’.
Despite feeling unnatural at first, Peter persists and continues to tweak his behaviors in small ways.
Eventually his friends and family start to see a difference in him. He starts to get noticed more often and eventually he gets an opportunity to intern at an established law firm.
After success in his early career, Peter’s reality start to match his learned behaviors and he starts to develop confidence from competence.
Source #4: Outcome Independence
The fourth source of confidence is different from the first three because it is not based on the acquisition of confidence, but rather the removal of a big barrier to confidence.
One of the biggest barriers to confidence is to be overly attached to outcomes.
When we desire an outcome really badly, whether it is winning an interview or scoring a date, we place an expectation on ourselves not to fail.
This creates a fear of failure which can severely diminish confidence and prevent you from taking the necessary risks.
Overattachment to outcomes can also make you appear needy and desperate.
On the other hand, when we’re not invested in any outcome, we tend to be more relaxed and act naturally.
This sense of detachment – or outcome independence – is a great source of confidence.
In simple words, it’s the attitude of not giving a f**k.
The key here is to have an abundance mindset.
Sure, you may desire to win that interview or score that date. But if you don’t, there are many other opportunities down the road that can be just as appealing.
The belief that you have an abundance of options can be a powerful boost to confidence.
The trick is to stay focused on ‘what’ you want, not ‘how’ you’re going to achieve it. If you can adopt this perspective, it can allow you to let go of control.
Case 4
Richard is a 25-year old barista who works part-time while taking his degree.
He’s not particularly handsome, athletic or talented. But he’s a fun-loving guy with a carefree attitude towards life.
As a result, Richard has a wide pool of friends and is especially popular with the ladies. His authenticity is very disarming. At his cafe, people around him naturally let their guard down because they know he has no agenda.
During exams, Richard never stresses himself out because he knows he can only do his best and has nothing to prove. When dating, women are attracted to him because he never puts on a facade and tries to impress them.
The Best Way To Build Confidence
There is no one best way to build confidence.
Different sources work better for different people. It depends on which source of confidence is most effective for you.
If you feel like you lack confidence, figure out which source would give you the kind of confidence you want and start there.
Personally, I would recommend you develop all four sources.
Get really good at something.
Have a support system where you get regular positive reinforcement.
Model other successful people.
Adopt a mindset of outcome independence.
By tapping into all four sources, you not only develop an unshakeable foundation of confidence, but you will also live a more fulfilled and stress-free life.
Summary
The 4 Sources of Confidence
Source #1: High Competence
Source #2: Positive Reinforcement
Source #3: Modelling (“Fake It Till You Make It”)
Source #4: Outcome Independence
If you feel like you lack confidence, figure out which source would give you the kind of confidence you want and start there.
By tapping into all four sources, you not only develop an unshakeable foundation of confidence, but you will also live a more fulfilled and stress-free life.